Who needs who now?
Sometimes I think about how much I can’t bear to live without certain people or certain things. (Mind you, I’m not very materialistic — my list would have only a few bullets.) Then I wonder if there are people out there that feel the same way about me… and that’s when I get frightened. Frightened of nonexistence. Fearful of death. I hate leaving people hanging, you know.
Later I realize how insignificant I really am in this vast world… and I am humbled. Strangely enough, I actually enjoy this feeling.
Not all the time, but from time to time I wish I were nonexistent (not dead but just poof gone). I can’t explain why because I barely know myself, but perhaps it’s a desire to get away from stress or responsibilities, whether self-imposed or not. I also think it could be my not so secret scorn for people (probably it). In any case, that humbling feeling I get helps alleviate my emotions about a lot of these things and brings me closer to identifying with this African concept/philosophy that I like very much known as Ubuntu, which essentially means
“I am who I am because of who we all are.”
I know- I don’t make sense anymore.
July 2, 2008 at 3:04 pm
You make plenty of sense. And your post is evocative of a lot of non-Western spiritual traditions.
I have increasingly fleeting (unfortunately) moments like this. It was a lot easier to feel this way just a year ago. I too find myself at peace when I come to terms with my own mortality and insignificance, not worrying about what lies beyond. But lately, being consumed by the inexorable drag of work life, those moments are few and far between at best. Sounds like a step toward the path of enlightenment though, or following the tao of the old man.
And for the record, I’m a person out there who can’t bear the thought of life without you.
Maybe I’ll never die
I’ll just keep growing younger with you
And you’ll grow younger too
Now it seems too lovely to be true
But I know the best things always do
(Let’s pretend we don’t exist
Let’s pretend we’re in Antarctica) x infinity
July 14, 2008 at 5:29 am
I know we have good people in this world but………I seem to always run into the ones that are not and this bothers me somewhat. From my experience, most people who lie do it when it comes to money, getting it, how much they have and paying it back. I live way below my means by choice and use to live an unhappy wealthy liftstyle and so I’ve run into dishonety from rich to poor.
Then you have the ones who ask a bunch of personal questions and then share the information with others after agreeing not to tell anyone. How about the ones who talegate and flip you off for going the speed limit. I once purchased a use car from a private person who lied about everything…then became rude when he was caught in a lie.
How sad when some pretended to be my friend because they wanted something from me.
Sometimes I want to disapear and hide in a cave but then I might be traspassing. I can’t live off the land or fish because I’ll need a license and money…could this be why people are rude and lie?
Avoiding the rat race.
August 7, 2008 at 11:56 pm
The reasons why I have despised people so much in the past is the untruth, the lies, the hurt and the heartache. Why should I feel the need to put myself in such a vulnerable position to be hurt, when I have been hurt the most by my closest family at birth given away when I was 6 months old… Of course I have abandonment issues, WTF… You wouldn’t?
Molested, sexually, physically, mentally abused my whole growing years?! I am not supposed to be bitter, I am not supposed to have any mental trauma. I am supposed to be “normal”, how would I have a clue what that means?
Bad choices, bad relationships, bad karma… Indeed, and I fully expect it all to come back to me! Yes, I take full responsibility for everything that *I* have done, but why can’t anyone else? I do not understand why people hide behind lies and untruths, in your face lies… No one is perfect, so why not stand up for the things you have done in your life…. I have.
August 9, 2008 at 1:43 pm
My scorn for people is not a personal one, i.e. nothing happened to me personally that made me despise people. I just hate people..
But I love humanity. There’s a pretty clear distinction there, and if you don’t see it then I don’t know what to tell you.