My thoughts on cell phones

Okay, I’m going to try to make these next couple of entries just complete brain diarrhea. I don’t feel like spending a lot of time making each of these entries (relatively) perfect.

I got my first cell phone during my first year of college. It was purely out of necessity. My mother basically wanted to know where I was at all times. If I had it my way, like I’ve said many times before, I wouldn’t have one.. but I do see the importance of having one in emergency situations. Emergency situations is a very broad term for me since I have a big family and anything concerning them could potentially be an emergency.

Since my first year of college, I’ve gone through five phones. Five. I’m on my sixth phone right now. Granted two of those phones were just loaners until I got new phones. Of those phones, I was really only attached to one of them. When that one broke, I was devastated. I don’t like being devastated. I don’t like attachment. Especially to material things. You’re probably thinking, “You should take better care of your cell phone, AA.” Well, to you I say, “Cell phones should be sturdier.” And, “Fuck you.”

The thing I don’t like about cell phones: built-in obligation. Just because you call me doesn’t mean I have to call you back. Especially if you didn’t leave a message. If I call someone and don’t leave a message, it probably wasn’t important anyway. Don’t think I’m ignoring you (although sometimes this could be the case). Just because you ring doesn’t mean I have to pick you up, cell phone. I’ll pick you up when I damn well please.

I really just have no desire to be an on call friend. I have no desire to be that accessible.

Another thing I don’t like about cell phones: dependency. I hate feeling lost without a phone. When you have a phone, and then it suddenly turns up missing, a feeling of emptiness envelops you. I don’t need you, cell phone! You are the tool, not me!

People who drive while talking on cell phones, though, ARE tools. And they typically drive SUVS or some ridiculously massive vehicle.

Sigh. I loathe cell phones.

If I could describe Ohio right now

(or at least the part that I’m in) in one word, I would say red.

The hardcore Buckeye fandom, the bricks that almost all the buildings here are made of, and the people who just can’t tan.. yeah, it’s red.

Who needs who now?

Sometimes I think about how much I can’t bear to live without certain people or certain things. (Mind you, I’m not very materialistic — my list would have only a few bullets.) Then I wonder if there are people out there that feel the same way about me… and that’s when I get frightened. Frightened of nonexistence. Fearful of death. I hate leaving people hanging, you know.

Later I realize how insignificant I really am in this vast world… and I am humbled. Strangely enough, I actually enjoy this feeling.

Not all the time, but from time to time I wish I were nonexistent (not dead but just poof gone). I can’t explain why because I barely know myself, but perhaps it’s a desire to get away from stress or responsibilities, whether self-imposed or not. I also think it could be my not so secret scorn for people (probably it). In any case, that humbling feeling I get helps alleviate my emotions about a lot of these things and brings me closer to identifying with this African concept/philosophy that I like very much known as Ubuntu, which essentially means

“I am who I am because of who we all are.”

I know- I don’t make sense anymore.

The best birthday gift I could ask for

This is of course excluding any gift JA has given or could give me, because they are auto-win. (Thanks for the new laptop btw, love! *bats eyelashes* I love it.)

You might be wondering what is ‘the best birthday gift i could ask for’ then. Well I will tell you: the new cellular phone laws in California, effective July 1 (actual birth date!). Yes! Yes! YES! I am so tired of seeing people driving while talking on cell phones (entry on why I hate cell phones to follow). 95% of the times I’ve ever almost had a car accident or was pissed off by another motorist on the road, the idiot in the other car was on their phone. While I realize this won’t solve all of L.A.’s driving problems, or California’s for that matter, it’s progress. That’s better than nothing at all.

I know some people will argue that they can drive and talk on the phone just fine without endangering the people around them. First of all, that’s hogwash. Second, that doesn’t matter to me. So you’re an expert at multitasking on the road? For every one of you so-called experts, there are about a thousand (understatement) who are not so skilled. So suck it up. And save your multitasking skills for a more appropriate venue.

Unfortunately, as thrilled as I am about this law, I know that there will still be people out there driving with their cells in hand, and what kills me is that I know I’m going to see them and wonder why they’re not getting pulled over by a cop already. It’s like when you see someone drive out of the carpool lane when the lines are still solid yellow. Where the fuck is the fuzz when you need ‘em? Oh well. At least I don’t have to wish anymore for it be illegal because come my birthday, it will be, and that’s a damn good thing.

Nothin’ to it but to do it

Stop delaying the inevitable, self, and just freakin’ WORK on the poster. Once you’re done, you have the weekend to look forward to. So just do it.

I love you, self.

where I’m at

I received my B.A. last year and although I’ve had two jobs between then and now, I currently have no job. My primary goal since graduating has been to apply to graduate programs. At the moment, I am an undesirable candidate for any full time job for a number of reasons:

1. I have no practical skills. (EDIT: And yet, I’m overqualified for many entry-level positions. Says JA. ^^)
2. I don’t mind doing clerical work since I know I won’t be able to find a job in my desired field (just yet), but I don’t want to work for just anyone. So in that sense, I’m picky.
3. I will be gone for a week and a half in July for a conference, and there’s no getting out of it.

Not that I’d want to get out of it anyway. The way I see it, as much as I’d like to have a steady income, I’d much prefer not working or not getting paid if it meant I could gain meaningful experience in research and thus become a more viable candidate for grad school. Shrug.

Is it worth it? I seem to think so, seeing as how I’m giving up much of my time — not to mention dignity — and burdening my family, especially JA, for something I should’ve done during my undergrad career.

So that’s kind of where I’m at these days: a strange, temporal version of limbo. Willing to go out of my way as an unpaid research assistant; Unable to find a paying job that will let me be away for a week and a half in July; Certain that this conference will be beneficial to me somehow, yet uncertain as to what extent.

I’d like to think it’s all worth it, but I guess I won’t find out until I start hearing back from grad schools.

Hard to Explain

I don’t know why but these days I’ve been finding it hard to blog or write. I always have material swimming in my head but it never seems to find its way here. What’s become of me? I remember being so passionate about blogging back then, back when I had a LiveJournal (circa 2002). Have I been reduced to just a reader of blogs? A mere observer?

Perhaps I’m intimidated. Intimidated by all the bloggers out there who write so eloquently. I can’t write like them, nor do I wish to pretend to.. but still, I admire them and cower at their index(.html).

Thoughts of blogging are destroyed once I lay my hands on a keyboard. What’s wrong with me? I know I can do this. I need to stop psyching myself, stop convincing myself that what I have to say isn’t important. Because it is important. Maybe not to everyone else, but it’s important to me. And I matter.. right?

Life is exhausting.

Perhaps I’ll be able to make some sense of it one day.